I can’t believe it’s been two years since I wrote my last blog post! To be very honest, about this time last year, I was contemplating whether to cancel my WordPress membership (it does remind me to pay for my domain name tidawei.com every January), but I decided not to.
“You need to continue writing.” It said.
“Well, alright..” I thought.
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for leaving all those loving comments on my previous blog post – My Battle with Acne and Self Worth – both on WordPress and on Facebook. Thank you for all of your kind words. All of you guys that took the time to let me know how you felt about my journey made me realize that whatever the heck I was going through, someone else out there too is also going through the same thing.
We’re never alone.
Here’s just an introduction in pictures on how my journey looks like in short (my complexion tells it all doesn’t it..) I thought it would give you an idea of how brutal it truly felt to me.
“Why have you shaved your head?”
A question I have been answering A LOT the past month since I’ve been back in Asia…
“Oh, it’s a long story…” is usually my answer…
So to answer this question, let’s go back to the start of it all.
Rewinding a little bit to July 2011…
7 months after I’d moved to Singapore, Jeffrey followed.
When I met Jeffrey in 2005 through MySpace, he was a cocky, happy-go-lucky rugby player from a British school in Malaysia. We were only 16, we were both Chinese, and we were both studying at an international school (we’re usually interconnected one way or another through our schools). Although we missed the opportunity to see each other each time we were in the same country, we somehow remained friends for the next six years to come, often discussing our High School/College relationships.
When I finally met Jeffrey in the flesh, to my surprise, Jeffrey was no longer that cocky, happy-go-lucky guy I remembered. The CARPE DIEM attitude he so strongly possessed had turned into an aura of melancholy. He seemed worn out almost.
“What happened to Jeffrey?” I thought to myself. His character sparked a lot of confusion in me, but at that point in time, I was too consumed in my relationship to be particularly inclined to care.
That same night after I left Jeffrey and went home, I had my first physical fight with my boyfriend. It was brutal, unreasonable, and plain volatile. Our fights have always been extremely violent emotionally, but never physically.
We broke up for a couple of days and got back together – something we did a lot in our relationship.
Two months after our first meet-up, I finally got together with Jeffrey again over my favorite martinis at No. 5 on Emerald Hill. This time, Jeffrey was talkative, vibrant, and glowing. The dude was glowing!!
It wasn’t the same Jeffrey I saw that night two months ago. What changed?!
I, on the other hand, was still in a volatile relationship, still complaining about it, still the same me. Hopeless and helpless.
Luckily, it didn’t take long before Jeffrey revealed his secret.
“Tida, I found this place. It is so peaceful! If you are opened minded, I will take you. It belongs to this Guru. She…”
As soon as I heard ‘peaceful’, I thought “Yes! I want that.” You know how you hear your morning alarm when you are in a really deep sleep? Distant, like a dream, and yet yapping away… brutally asking you to wake up to the world of reality. My realization that I needed to find some kind of peace of mind hit me like that.
I was miserable and I had no idea what to do about it.
“She is the descendant of the guy Steve Jobs went to India to look for…” Jeffrey continued on…
Who? What? What about Steve Jobs? Ok never mind.
“Yes, I’d love to go!” I told Jeffrey. I hardly made sense of what Jeffrey was on about really. I just knew whatever he was talking about was exactly what I was looking for.
That was early September…
Because I was so consumed in the drama of my life, it didn’t cross my mind to go with Jeffrey to that mysterious magical place until November.
On the night of October 30th, 2011, I had my one last horrendous fight with my boyfriend as a couple.
Of course, at that time I had no idea it was going to be our last fight ever and that we were going to break up. I honestly believed that we were going to get married despite our regular, violently senseless fights… I was that oblivious (or rather, I WANTED to stay oblivious) to the fact that there was something wrong with my life.
But no, it was our last fight. The fight lasted for two days.
Everything that was happening with my life at that moment made no sense to me at all. I had no idea why I was never enough for my boyfriend, or why he was never enough for me… I had no idea why I wasn’t GOOD at anything in life – relationship, school, internship, job… Why was I so unhappy? My life was a living hell… I grew up being labeled as ‘smart’, ‘talented’, ‘wise beyond her years’, yet what the crap was going on with my life?
But the worst part wasn’t the fact that my life was a living hell.
The worst part was that I had no idea at all that it was.
I thought I was just being normal. It makes me wonder how many people out there actually believe their life to be the same, to be normal.
Until my next post.