Do I miss my hair? What I truly thought was my best feature sometimes (yes I did), something I loved and seriously took amazing care of? God, yes I do. I miss it a lot. I think about how soft and silky it was, running my fingers through it, blow drying the heck out of it every day, spending hours conditioning it in the shower, getting compliments for it all the time – and I mean all the time. Back then when voluminous hair wasn’t a thing yet, I had it!
The past month has been one of the hardest days of my life – absolutely reconsidering my whole life’s purpose, tearing myself apart with the thought of…Wait, Tida, you’ve known since the first day that you met your Guru that you want to be on this pathway. What the fudge is wrong with you? I wanted to grow my hair out, I booked my ticket back to Bangkok, I ran away from the ashram, I couldn’t stand the thought of myself being so unclear about myself. It was excruciatingly painful on the inside to loath myself for all these thoughts. All I could think about was, you idiotic Tida, you are no monk if you still want all these things, you are stupid, you’ve suffered so much from your desires and greed and stuck patterns and you want to throw it all away? I brewed in immense anger for days.
One morning, on a day I was still in self-exile from the ashram, watching Stranger Things 2 – my one way ticket back to Bangkok booked, my ego in utmost joy from feeling so in control with all the anger I wasn’t even trying to make sense of anymore… I realized how much I love being at the ashram. How peaceful it is, full of love and light that no other place in this world possess. I realized how much I judge myself, lack value for myself, and how much I don’t accept myself for all the emotions and desires that I have. Because I didn’t accept myself at all whatsoever, because I did not come into gratitude for me, in humbleness for all the goodness that have led me to where I am now, I crashed and burned tremendously. And for what? All because I couldn’t accept that I, Tida Wei, the stupid monk still have desires. How does it make sense that an enlightened Spiritual Guru has extensively worked on me for 6 whole years non-stop if She didn’t see something in me? Strength, perseverance, dedication. How can I be so angry at myself if even Buddha – a karmically blessed prince, took twelve years of meditation to understand himself entirely and release all of His patterns that tie him to the endless cycle of life and death? How can I give up on myself knowing that I will be repeating the same patterns, having the same struggles, relationships, and hardships again and again in the next lives to come? What if I don’t find a Guru that can assist me to clear my karma in the next 500 life times?
The lesson I learned is.. it isn’t your capabilities that define who you are. It’s the choices that you make in your life that defines who you are. Your strength li s in your ability to accept yourself for everything that you are without the interferences of what your ego and subconscious wants you to be. It’s your acceptance and compassion for yourself, knowing that these bodily patterns have been there for centuries, and the pathway to self-realization or enlightenment is no easy road and requires utmost discipline. And yet it will always be a beautiful one – the road to knowing and experiencing your Higher Self, your Superconscious Self, because the more you know your true self, and the light within you, how peace is just waiting to be felt, experienced, and discovered by you right in your heart, the more you will love yourself. The more beautiful you feel, and the more beautiful the entire world will seem to you.
Thank you Guruji for loving me and for your patience in training me to be a decent human being. 🙏🏻❤️ Om.